Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

 One day you will learn about the events that happend a mear 25 miles from our home. The deaths of children your age and women Mommy's age. One day you will realize how lucky we are to still have each other. We are a lucky family Baby. We have each other still and your innocence is intact. You still believe you can be an astronaut so you can be with "Star Wars" and be a Jedi. Santa still comes down the chimney and travels the world in one night. The tooth fairy magically takes your teeth away. My hugs and kisses can console and cure you. But one day the innocence that I am fighting to keep for you will fade. On this day let me first say; I am so sorry but unlike Peter Pan we all grow up and learn the truths that aren't always beautiful and magical.
Next don't ever let this world push you down. Yes bad things happen. Sandy Hook can never be explained. Nothing can console the families and community. People will move on but like a scar, even if it fades it's still there. Our job though is to keep living and to find the magic where we can. 20 children and 7 women will never again have the chance to live and find magic. I and I hope you will live well for them.
Baby in the wake of this horrible event love and friendship has poured from around the world. A man took lives but the world is trying to lift up an entire community. There is magic in that. There is magic in the donations, toys, cards, and words of love from strangers. There is magic in men and women standing side by side to pay respect.
One day you will know the truth. Life isn't pretend magic. Life is real magic. It may be harder to see or find, but all things worth having are worth fighting for. Find the real magic in your life and I promise it will be a happy one.
I love you Baby, every moment of everyday.
Mommy

An Open Letter to Bryan Fischer and Mike Huckabee

Dear Sirs, (though I think neither of you deserve the address)

Sandy Hook hit very close to my heart. I am still in a fog of sadness and grief for the families.
I am a resident of Connecticut. I live 25 miles from Newtown. My Husband works with people who have been traumatized by this event and I think just about everyone in the state has a friend or a friend of a friend who lost someone or was traumatized. I am also the mother of 3 beautiful children. A 5 year old Kindergartener and 2 year old twins. I was a 1st grade and Kindergarten teacher prior to staying at home with our children.

Now that you know who I am let me respond to the remarks you made following the horrific incidence that occurred in our state.
First lets just read those comments so we can be clear.

Mr. Fischer you first;
The question is going to come up, where was God? I though God cared about the little children. God protects the little children. Where was God when all this went down. Here's the bottom line, God is not going to go where he is not wanted.

Now we have spent since 1962 -- we're 50 years into this now--we have spent 50 years telling God to get lost, telling God we do not want you in our schools, we don't want to pray to you in our schools, we do not want to pray to your before football games, we don't want to pray to you at graduations, we don't want anybody talking about you in a graduation speech...

In 1962 we kicked prayer out of the schools. In 1963 we kicked God's word out of ours schools. In 1980 we kicked the Ten Commandments out of our schools. We've kicked God out of our public school system. And I think God would say to us, 'Hey, I'll be glad to protect your children, but you've got to invite me back into your world first. I'm not going to go where I'm not wanted. I am a gentlemen.

Source HuffPost Religion

Now you Mr. Huckabee

"We don't have a crime problem, a gun problem or even a violence problem. What we have is a sin problem," Huckabee said on Fox News. "And since we've ordered God out of our schools, and communities, the military and public conversations, you know we really shouldn't act so surprised ... when all hell breaks loose."

Source HuffPost Politics

So we are on the same page? Great, then let me just say;

How could you be so awful and ignorant. You are both supposed to be Men of Faith.  Do you truly understand the teachings of God, of Jesus? 

Among the dead there was more than one faith represented and I would bet that even among those of shared faith it was worshiped differently for each of them.  To say that this happened because we don't "allow" God into our schools is reckless and ridiculous. God, who ever your God may be, is not in a building. God is in your heart. In your mind. In the way we live and the way we treat others. God is in the living things of this world.  God cannot be kept out of a building. God is carried through the doors of buildings everyday on the hearts of those who believe. Prayer may not be mandated in school, you may not be required to open with a hymn and a prayer, but it is not forbidden either. Believers all over this country say prayers all day long. Silent or aloud. Believers gather for prayers at flag poles or in clubs after school. I had students who would say a prayer before biting into their sandwich. Where was God? Well, God was with each and everyone of the victims. Gods heart broke, because he too is a parent.  I don't pretend to have an answer for Why all this happend or Why any bad thing happens to good people. I do however know one thing, it wasn't because God let it happen. 

So Sirs, maybe you should spend sometime reading the bible and praying on your own. Oh and one other word of advice; If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. 

Sincerely, 
Wendy

What Kept Me Up Last Night

Like so many others I have been troubled by the events that unfolded yesterday in the Classrooms at Sandy Hook Elementary. Like all parents I held my children tight and thanked God that they were safe. I cried many tears yesterday. My thoughts kept running to those poor babies. Terrified. I kept thinking about my son, who is in Kindergarten at a school 25 miles away from Newtown. I continued thinking about my former Kindergarten and First grade students and how I would have done anything to protect them. My thoughts led me to their parents who I considered friends and how heartbroken they each would be. I was nauseous. When my husband came home we stood in a very long embrace. Wordlessly thanking that it wasn't our sons school. I feel so selfish. I feel pain and anguish for the families. My imagination won't even let me get near the greif, terror, hurt, pain that they are feeling. Sandy Hook has taught me (as so many things do) that every day is a gift that we can't take for granted. Our children are a gift that we should cherish. In the days and weeks to come there will be many more things to take away and discussions to have but today I will continue to hug my children. I may even climb into bed with my son again tonight and secretly whisper to him my love while he dreams of more beautiful things.

I'll end with a prayer;

May the healing love of faith, family and friends wrap tight around you. In your time of loss and sadness may you be comforted. I pray for healing and peace in your heart and mind. May the light of God fill you when you are empty, comfort you when you are sad, and lift you up when you can't stand on your own. Blessings and Peace be with you always.

Starting again

So couch to 5k was quite a bit easier for me than I imagined. Within a few days I was walking/joging/running more than the 5k. Then life threw another wrench in things as it often does. The kids got sick. One had a ear infection, then they both had horrible colds that wouldn't pass. Then it was my turn. I had a painful ovarian cyst, that just wouldn't quite and a few other issues that caused a lot of pain. We had a hurricane and a huge snow storm. Life, right? I have really been thinking about my lack of progress this last 9 months and I don't feel at all guilty. Really I dont.
I stopped breast feeding and I have gained about 20 lbs. Having 2 year old (or will be 12/8) doesn't make getting regular exercise easy. While chasing them around gives me some what of a work out it is nearly enough. Most gyms don't offer childcare and those that do, offer it sporadically and for a cost. It really ranges. The most affordable is the Y, but they are a bit of a drive away so I worry I won't have enough time between putting kiddo #1 on the bus and getting him off the bus at 11:30am (Thanks half day kinder). Another option is LA fitness. They have crazy weird pricing for adults but for kids (and they just offer child watch, nothing for the kids to do like at the Y) its an additional $10 per month per child (no sibling discount.)  The last place is even further away and charges $5 for the first child per visit and $4 for each sibling each visit! Who on earth can afford that! So I came to this conclusion; I am going to have to wake very early each morning, before hubby goes off to work, and jog. Once I get home I am going to have to try and find clever ways to tone. Maybe lifting milk jugs full of water?? Who knows.
Why don't I feel guilty? Well, it's not like I am in love with the extra 20lbs I packed on, but I have maintained since those came on. I gained those very shortly after the twins quit nursing. With as much as they nursed I am very lucky it wasn't more. Over the last few months I have been busy being a mom and wife. I can't feel guilty about 20lbs if I have done a great job taking care of my family. Now with the Holidays upon us, I want to make sure I keep working on living healthy. I do want to loose the 20lbs I gained. I was at my goal weight before, I'd like to be there again. I want to tone my body and be in shape. But I refuse to feel guilty about the days, weeks, and sometimes months that pass as I put things I value more first.

So here is my goal for now. Next week I want to run/jog/walk at least three mornings. Not a difficult task to some, but depending on how well the twins sleep it might be difficult for me! :-)
Until next time.
W

Finally

I pledged to myself that I would work on getting in the best shape of my life. Little did I know weather and womanly cycle would f things up! So yes it rained a lot but I was also in the most horrendous moods thanks to mother nature. I finally went out on my first couch to 5k run last night and did far better than I ever expected. Katy Perry's "teenage dream" was my soundtrack and I must say it really cheered me on! I decided to be brave and post a pic of me post work out. Yes,  I have lost 130lbs, Yes I had a tummy tuck but No I do not at all feel thin or sexy. Yes I stil need to tone my body but I have always been honest and up front. So here is my soft body! Working it's way to hard.

ZUMBA

Tonight was Zumba. I love it so much! At the moment I am signed up through my local parks and rec, but I think I may get a membership to a Zumba studio. I find myself smiling during the workout! Gotta love that!

Moving Forward

It's been almost 3 months since my surgery and life finally seems to be evening out. Healing from the abdominoplasty was far more challenging than I expected. My muscles are still sore and tight. I have started doing Zumba, but that just isn't enough. I have about 10-15lbs I want to drop, but the bigger picture is that I just want to be healthy. Granted I am far healthier than I was at 300 lbs, but like most it could be better.
So I am doing another challenge. This one is my 9 week fitness challenge. I am vowing to spend the next 9 weeks getting in the best shape I have ever been in. Thanks to friend on FB I found something I think will really work. It's called Couch to 5k. I had never heard but it looks great. Check out the schedule here. I realize this is just a start, but that's just it a start. I feel like that's the most challenging part. I'll be checking in periodically so check in, comment, follow, and join in! Let me know how you are doing!

Yes... I. AM. A. Dork

So you may or not be aware but, when we moved to the NE I was a first time stay at home mom and I had NO friends or family.

The story goes. One night Nick made a joke about me watching the TV show One Tree Hill and I cried. I cried A LOT. I told him the characters were my only friends (sadly they were, I have since become more social) and he was an *ss for saying such things.... Honestly they were my only friends, I watched them and felt like I was back at home or in High School. I sat with Noah all day and played or watch old One Tree Hill episodes. I knew no one. I did nothing. We moved right before a really bad winter, don't judge...

Sadly it is all coming to an end; the show that is. I think the series is down to like 3 episodes. I cried a lot tonight. I cried a lot last time too. I feel like I am moving all over again. I know it sounds dumb, and I know they are not my friends. But during a time in my life when I felt very alone they where there. It's amazing how sad I am to see them go. So Cheers to my One Tree Hill gang who quite literally helped me through a 6 month transition into a new life.

Feeling it all

The reality that Nick has to go back to work in the morning has been crashing down on me all day.

I will be two weeks post op (tomorrow), I still have a drain in my left hip (that is swollen and pulling), No I am no allowed to pick up my children or drive, yes I am on pain meds (that I desperately need a refill for) and muscle relaxers. And No I have no Fing clue how the F I am going to do it.

Yale is great at Health Care! They covered my Gastric Bypass and they have even covered the abdomnioplasty, but when it come to family and time off it's like they forget there is life beyond the walls. It's killing me to know that I can't do this. Tomorrow is going to be horrible and I am just going to have to drag my ass through it. I am going to be in pain, the kids are going to need more than I can offer and there won't be a damn thing I can do about it. I am sure I will hear a lot of "they will be fine" but I won't be. I will be a failure. That sucks. I can't perform my job and need time off, but worse than Yale my Job never has "sick" days.

Family help came for the time they could and I couldn't imagine if we hadn't of had them! At one point I joked that I kind of understood "Sister Wives" a little better. Not in the share a man thing but having someone to share the burden with when you are down and out. My Sister and Mom really came through for us. They are really being missed. Friends who brought meals, flowers, gift cards for food delivery, and breaks were a welcomed gift Nick and I are so grateful for! Please don't let today's melancholy diminish the wonderful things you did for us or make you feel like we are less than uber grateful!

But beyond that everyone I know has job, kids, and a life of their own. Can you help? I don't know? Can you stop what you are doing in your life and come help take care of mine, during the day and through the part of the night the twins won't sleep? Probably not. Nor is that something I could or would ask for. I need my husband. Hopefully after the beginning of next week his schedule will be more flexible again.

I feel so sad for Noah he has needed a play date. He just needed someone to come pick him up and take him to play. But that didn't happen. I wish Sara were around. She wouldn't need a call or to be asked. She would just be at my door telling me that Noah was going to go play with her and Jake. Making the time in her crazy life. At least now he is back in school. Some playtime is better than none.

Yes I am unloading all my poor me, if you don't like it stop reading. Honestly I guess I will just stop writing. Tears and poor me isn't going to get this house clean, laundry done (thank god my mom and Alyssa did so much), or life moving towards tomorrow.

At the moment I am sad and in pain. And I want to say F&CK a lot.

But instead...Goodnight.

The Big Nip and Tuck

NICK: Watching the surgeon mark Wendys midsection with his marker was a trip. He seemed to so casually mark her meanwhile he was precision accurate in his drawings.

I guess it was a good omen that the last thing I remember prior to dozing off into lala land was laughter. I had said something to the nurses they found amusing, then the drugs took effect.

Waking was a bit less amusing. Of course I woke confused, thirsty and just as I have with every other surgery since my knee surgery I was asking for Nick. Next time I woke Nick was there upon seeing him I "had a big relieved smile on (my) face" (said Nick) and I was being allowed some juice which I quickly turned away bc it made me feel sick. They encouraged me to nibble on some crackers as Nick rubbed my hand. I don't remember much but I do remember his hand on mine and thinking, thank god he is here.

When it was time to move me from the surgical center to the Yale Health Infirmary, they moved me in a chair ambulance. Meaning I rode sitting in a wheel chair that I was strapped into, that was then strapped into the ambulance. The ride was a bit fuzzy. I do remember thinking slow down and feeling nervous that Nick wasn't with me.

NICK: Wendys surgery was ~30 minutes late getting started. They have a big LCD television outside in the waiting room with sliding rows showing off who was in what state. A nurse came out around mid-day asking for me to come back to recovery and that my wife woke and immediately asked for me. The nurses in recovery were wonderful. Very attentive and accommodating. They let me hang out in the recovery area during her stay. It was very boring and chill until we had to road trip to the Yale Health Center infirmary for recovery. The old man driving the stand up ambulance was a goofball always with something to say.

Once we got to the infirmary I slept a lot! We tried watching some tv but couldn't control the volume which for some reason really bothered me. :) The first night was all about sleep. Nick wasn't allowed to stay the night so he went home around 8 or 9 for bed time.

NICK: Yale Health Center infirmary was slick. Empty, clean, quite accommodating. Its unfortunate I couldnt stay the night, but it was good to stay around with Wendy during the day and help hold down the kid fort with Mimi during the night.

Nick got home to sleeping babes, a clean house and Mimi waiting to give him a report of a rather boring (no drama) day. YAY

NICK: Mimi blew my mind telling me the babes did just fine. No tears, two naps, amazing.

The next day Nick arrived in the morning and we hung out. Around noonish he left to check on the kids and much to my angst and sadness he left me there until around 5 in the evening. He came after I called crying. Poor guy felt torn, I know this. He wanted to help with the kids, but as I tearfully pointed out my mom was there to take care of the kids and his job was to care for me. Just having him around made me feel stronger, I'm not sure he understands. We are each others rocks.

That night of sleep was horrible! The Yale infirmary isn't like the hospital, they let you sleep. no one is coming in checking your vitals constantly waking you. But I was in SO much pain all night. The Percocet and Demerol weren't working. I woke every hour. Finally around 6am when the nurses changed the new nurse realized the night nurse had not been giving me my valium (muscle relaxers). The pain killers were on an as needed basis the Valium however was supposed to be given to me ever 6 hours on the clock. Once I was given my dose along with my pain killer I passed out and finally slept! I woke around noon, my lunch tray sitting in wait along with Nick. Later in the day I had an appointment with the surgeon, but hadn't been cleared to check out yet. Around 1:45 Nick helped me put on some clothes for my appointment (which I don't remember, i thought I went to the appt in my hospital gown!) I can honestly say I have no memory of walking to the office. I remember falling asleep on Nick's shoulder and then going back.

NICK: Our road trip to the surgeons office was a trip. Poor Wendy was pretty medicated for pain so it was an event getting out of the infirmary, downtown, parked, and into the doctors office. We were so fortunate to score a metered spot right outside the front door. Good thing too as it took several minutes to slowly walk to our destination. Once we were checked in, we had a bit of a wait. Wendy took advantage and passed out on my shoulder as Im sure she was exhausted. Once called back, the doctor was amazing in helping look Wendy over and taking action where needed, all the while discussing things with Wendy and I.

When we got back I was getting a roommate but the Doctor was supposed to be coming in soon to discharge me. I dozed while we waited.

NICK: And we waited. Damn Doctor rounds. Apparently he came by while we jaunted over to the Surgeons downtown office ... which apparently moves our name down to the bottom of the list? ;) This was probably the worst part of the trip for me (since I didnt have to wake at o'dark thirty in pain like Wendy did) as I just wanted to get Wendy home and have everyone together again.

FINALLY I was going home. I arrived later in the evening close to bedtime. When I walked in the twins lost their minds and cried. Breaking my heart. I sat and tried to love on everyone the best I could.

The next couple of days I did more than I should, I picked the kids up every now and again (even as my mom yelled at me). One night I slept on the floor between the twins beds hoping they would sleep. But then I had to do see my Doctor. Without even confessing the doctor could tell because of the swelling. So now I am actually trying to take it easy.

My Mom and Alyssa are angels! They kept up with the kids, the house, the laundry! We would have been lost with out them!
My lovely friends MaryAnn and Chris brought us dinner! and Rachel came by to give my mom a break (she got to take a much needed nap)! Naomi and my fellow Perkadots gave me flowers and a gift card for groceries! I am in love with pea pod delivery!

NICK: Yes, all the help was a godsend. Mimi and Alyssa were amazing house guests who helped make our family being down 'one Wendy' much more manageable. I couldn't imagine their not being here. Well, I can now that our last houseguest is gone. The next few days is going to be fun! ;)

Well I decided to be brave... Below are the pictures!

Ok, These are pre-op. Excess skin and all. These are hard for me to show, but well I have always been open, so here were go...

It hangs lower but well I didn't feel like showing "that" part of my body. :)

Day of Surgery at the Yale Infirmary. Great fourth floor view of Yale's Grove St Cemetary!

1st Day home. I hate drains! yuck.

Below is a few days post op, tons of swelling from fluid (I was up 10lbs pre surgery weight and they removed a few pounds, if that gives you any idea how swollen I was)

Pictures from 2/27/12, I am still swollen. Not as bad though.

The scar goes from hip to hip.

Awaiting the doctor

Nick and I are sitting at the surgical center waiting for the all systems go. Feeling a bit overwhelmed. Just met our nurse who seems so nice. It's always helpful to have a kind face during a scary time. Just waiting for Restifo to come and "do his drawings" ie mark on me where he will be removing skin. I'll update later.
Wish me luck, oh and visit my website stelladot.com/WendySIlkey yep I went there! :-)

The Big Day

So tomorrow is it. I am sitting here downing m&m's and drinking water watching the clock so like a magui I don't eat after midnight. My mind is racing with all the things I need to do but know I won't be able to get them all done. I had really hoped to have more shows on the books for March, so that when I am ready to move I can get back to work. Yep people that is how much I am loving Stella & Dot.
I would post before pictures of my skin but I don't want to gross you out. Also I am brave, but not even brave enough for that. Say a little prayer that I don't kick the bucket during cosmetic surgery.... That would suck.

Love to you all

Noah's Valentines Day Stella & Dot Picks!

So while I was brushing up on my S & D knowledge my 4 year old Noah decided he was going to pick his favorites. I asked him why on each, some reasons way cuter than others! Here are his picks!

Heiress Hoops- Gold
"Because they look like Hula Hoops!"

Zahara Bib Necklace "I like all the colorful beads!"

Serenity Stone Drops "OOO, These because they are GREEN. That's my favorite color!"

Odyssey Ring- Turquoise "I like Blue, Black, and Green!"

Stackable Gem Rings "It's sparkly and colorful!"

Copa Necklace "I like the jewel at the bottom and all the colorful green beads!"

Threaded Turquoise Necklace "It's so long!"

Odette Cuff "It's squiggly!"

Bianca Tassel Necklace "The bottom beads look like eyes!"

Medina Bib Necklace "They look like flowers!"

What ever his reasons the boy has good taste!

A new challenge

I have been trying to decide for a while about a new business endevour. If you know me, you know I would love to start/own my own business. That unfortunately takes more money than I have or loans I can't really get. So I have been looking into a work from home solution. Through word of mouth and the Internet I found a company called Stella and Dot. It's a newish company that sells jewelry through catalogs, online shopping, and parties led by stylists. I am of course a bit hesitant. When looking into doing something like this you hear things like pyramid scheme and scam. After doing quite a bit of research and looking at the companies business practices and who the owner/investors are I have decided to become a stylist. I am still nervous but really excited about this new endevour.
More to come once my website is up and I am officially a Stella and Dot stylist!

Just a nip and a tuck...

As you all know I had Gastric Bypass surgery a little more than two years ago. I am currently down by about 135 lbs (on a good weigh in morning). The bad does come with the good though. With all that rapid weight loss (not to mention twins) excess skin is the downside. Yale has AMAZING health coverage, not only was the bypass covered but my abdoninoplasty is as well. So in a few short weeks I go under the knife to have my tummy tucked. I am excited but more than anything I am nervous. It's going to be a lot of pain and I have three kids to care for. My mom, sister in law and hubby will be around to help take care of everything so that take a little pressure off, but I worry about what state I will be in. I hope to eventually get a few other body parts covered but those will have to wait until I am no longer nursing.

Fingers crossed everything goes well.

BTW

Asking me if I am excited/happy/relieved that we didn't have triplets is like asking me if I am excited/happy/relieved that I miscarried one of the babies. I was pregnant with triplets, I lost one early. Yes the twins are difficult, yes triplets would have been more difficult, no that doesn't mean I am happy about loosing a baby.
Just saying people!