July 17, 2010

Here I am merely 17 weeks pregnant and I feel like I have already been pregnant forever. Sometimes I wish we didn't find out so darn early. I mean it must have been nice for Women when they would be 3-4 months (ie- where I am now) along before they found out. Maybe it helped time pass quicker.
This part of the pregnancy hasn't been to bad though. The 1st trimester was no fun. Lots of morning sickness and I always felt tired. I now have a lot more energy and only start feeling sick if I go way to long with out eating. Midnight feedings and eating as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning have kind of faded away. Which is nice, since I gained like 5 lbs in those 1st few months. I am learning very quickly though that size is all in my head. My stomach has rounded and started to become firm, but unless I am wearing certain outfits you wouldn't know I was pregnant. Some days I look in the mirror and think... when am I going to look like I have twins in there?? Others I think holy cow I am huge. But usually it's just me.

Thursday we go in for another Ultra Sound. This is the big one... This tells me if I get to have a mother/daughter relationship. I want this SO BAD. I keep getting reassurance that no matter what I will be happy as long as they are healthy and to that I want to say "Eventually and No Shit". BUT it doesn't for one second mean I won't be utterly and completely devastated. I really don't want to be reassured at the moment and after I find out; if there are two little boys in there I honestly want ppl to back away and let me be sad. I will have to mourn the loss of that potential daughter. 3 children will likely be it for us. If we were to try again for a 4th, we would go back on clomid, increasing our chances of twins again. I think Nick would have a heart attack if we ended up with 5 kids. So this is kind of it for us. If I don't have a little girl, I will likely never have a daughter. The thought breaks me. My Mom has been one of the most vocal, "You will be alright" voices. I know that is just her nature, the forever optimist. I just wish she understood that I want a daughter so badly because I value my relationship with her so much. I didn't always think of her the way I do now and lord knows I was a challenge for her during my teen years. If that is what I have to put up with to have the bond that we have, well then so be it.
I'm nervous and excited all in one. I want to know and I don't. I have a strong feeling it's one boy and one girl ( I was right about Noah) but I could be wrong this time. I'm scared of how sad I will feel. If it is two boys I don't want them to ever think I didn't want them. Honestly a house full of boys wouldn't be so awful, but the heart wants what it wants.
Well here's hoping....